I have in my possession intelligence that I know could cost me my
life and the lives of those that I care for. So when I decided that the truth could no longer be concealed-
that this classified information needed to become unclassified- I knew they would come after each and every
one of us. And come after us they did. It all began with a barely suspect plastic shipping container- inside
there were dials, meters, cables and panels. Supplies, raw materials for what I hoped would become an
anatomically correct, anthropomorphic love-bot. But the components added up to little more than a tracking
mechanism sent for me by the guys with the polished black shoes and their iniquitous secret polizei. From then
on their advanced technological equipment was in my home- they used their mind scanners each evening to
stimulate my retinal lobe and placed tiny improvised explosive devices under the packages of cotto salami and
other luncheon meats that rested inside of my refrigerator. Agents utilized their disintegrator pistols to
shrink my testicles down to the size of the common ball bearing, rendering them barely visible to the naked
eye. Late one night, while I was wrapping up some pressing business, some urgent matters at the gas station
I work at, they had me kidnapped and thrown into an unventilated room with a cast iron door. They called this
enclosure 'The Fart Chamber.' It was here that I first learned of their experiments in curing atomic radiation
sickness through the use of Jenkem, a hallucinogenic drug made from fermented human feces. I spoke of this
discovery to my friend Jerry and within days he 'leapt' from a moving Ford Pinto, shortly after trying on a
pair of lysergic acid washed jeans 'donated' to the local Village Thrift. The press said he died of natural
causes- Ha! Clandestine physicians surgically implanted a miniature hydrogen bomb beneath the flesh of my
right buttock. I have been walking with a limp ever since. They also showed me a series of diagrams outlining
the adventures of Qoaung, a diminutive fellow of Asian descent who they had funneled into my body during the
emergency procedure I had after breaking my penis on my honeymoon approximately fourteen years ago. He had
been gumming up my insides all of this time. Yet through all of this I have persevered. You have not gotten
the best of me yet, industrially organized paranoid bureaucratic structure, and once I hand over the microfilm
I have in my possession to the man in charge, I promise you this will all come to an end.