I have in my possession intelligence that I know could cost me my life and the lives of those that I care for. So when I decided that the truth could no longer be concealed- that this classified information needed to become unclassified- I knew they would come after each and every one of us. And come after us they did. It all began with a barely suspect plastic shipping container- inside there were dials, meters, cables and panels. Supplies, raw materials for what I hoped would become an anatomically correct, anthropomorphic love-bot. But the components added up to little more than a tracking mechanism sent for me by the guys with the polished black shoes and their iniquitous secret polizei. From then on their advanced technological equipment was in my home- they used their mind scanners each evening to stimulate my retinal lobe and placed tiny improvised explosive devices under the packages of cotto salami and other luncheon meats that rested inside of my refrigerator. Agents utilized their disintegrator pistols to shrink my testicles down to the size of the common ball bearing, rendering them barely visible to the naked eye. Late one night, while I was wrapping up some pressing business, some urgent matters at the gas station I work at, they had me kidnapped and thrown into an unventilated room with a cast iron door. They called this enclosure 'The Fart Chamber.' It was here that I first learned of their experiments in curing atomic radiation sickness through the use of Jenkem, a hallucinogenic drug made from fermented human feces. I spoke of this discovery to my friend Jerry and within days he 'leapt' from a moving Ford Pinto, shortly after trying on a pair of lysergic acid washed jeans 'donated' to the local Village Thrift. The press said he died of natural causes- Ha! Clandestine physicians surgically implanted a miniature hydrogen bomb beneath the flesh of my right buttock. I have been walking with a limp ever since. They also showed me a series of diagrams outlining the adventures of Qoaung, a diminutive fellow of Asian descent who they had funneled into my body during the emergency procedure I had after breaking my penis on my honeymoon approximately fourteen years ago. He had been gumming up my insides all of this time. Yet through all of this I have persevered. You have not gotten the best of me yet, industrially organized paranoid bureaucratic structure, and once I hand over the microfilm I have in my possession to the man in charge, I promise you this will all come to an end.