What H1N1 Has Done For Me

       H1N1, or the Swine Flu, is another in a long line of infectious diseases that have piqued national interest. When you think of AIDS, HIV, SARS, whooping cough, The Plague, that fever people catch from dogs. Polio, the clap- of course we all remember the Rhinoceros Flu outbreak of 1996- gout, jaundice, and oh so many others. But I think it is to this condition's credit that for the first time in my life I have changed my behavior to suit the sickness. That's right- and that is rather impressive when you think about it. It almost compels one to say kudos H1N1. Kudos to you and to whoever's heart you rest in tonight.
       My first behavioral change though came when I started using paper towels or my shirtsleeves to grasp door handles and doorknobs. Then shortly later I completely stopped shaking hands- I would no longer greet anyone with anything more than a distant wave. Soon thereafter I stopped trying on all of the soiled underpants I pilfered from the many houses I break into, and I quit performing gloveless hemorrhoid checkups at the workplace as well. I would no longer suck the fingers of strangers I met on the bus, pork pet pot-bellied pigs, rape amply-orificed sewer rats and bugger all of the alley cats. I quit my old hobby of placing coinage gathered from the grounds into the hole where my missing eye once was, and I ceased sharing needles with panhandlers or the spray paint-filled loose stitch tube socks I huff from. I stopped sniffing lines of hardened bird feces, doing cocaine off of the rims of public toilets and eating remnants of food I found on their lids or urinal cakes. I also now refrain from dining on morsels recovered around or inside of my wife's mud flaps. I quit throwing back the golden goblets of menstrual fluids I find randomly placed around my home and dipping my goolies/yarbles into buckets of putrid-smelling plasma. And lastly- and most importantly - my cannibal days are over.
       It is hard to say how long these changes will last. When one is possessed by a compulsive personality it's difficult to fight off such cravings. Still, H1N1 has quite clearly transformed my lifestyle. That is why I often think of it not so much as a disease, but as a friend.